God I was fine. I was fucking fine. I was just sitting in the woods near a river and it turns out the trees are matches and the river is gasoline. I'm completely engulfed and I don't know what to do. fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! Where are you? You said you'd be here. I fucking need you. I don't know what to do. I would run to you if I still had blood in my veins but I'm cold and drained. I need that spark back. That bold part of me that would just show up and tell you "I love you" and then leave the rest up to chance. I'm fucking lost. I'm so lost. I'm blind and all i really see is you. I have these flashbacks and Matt's there and sometimes even less commonly David is but you're there all the fucking time. All the time Jessica. I cant do this anymore. I miss you more than I miss anything else. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is a phase that will pass like the others did but its overwhelmed me like nothing else. My mind physically hurts like an immense pressure is pushing down on me and I cant catch my breath.
I'm colorblind and you're the only color I see. All I see is green and I worry that I was never a color to you at all. Maybe I was just a really bright white that left you dazed. Or a deep black that left you stumbling around until you decided to turn around. He is your red. The blood in your veins, the red in your heart and tongue. He is your fire. That ignites you with passion and then burns you to a crisp. You cant even see me anymore. You cant even see what we were anymore. I don't even know what the fuck we were anymore. All I know is that there was something important in this gaping void. Something belonged here. And it's you.
God even though I said it already I need to know. Will this friendship never work between us? Should I really give up? Is this a lost cause? Can we begin again someday? As the strangers we truly are now.
God I don't know what to do. Help me. Take the anger and the resentment away and just tell me.