Ive been writing about you. I've been meaning to do more with it that just let it sit in a notebook but usually I forget about time and have so much I've been wanting to tell you that I just end up scribbling done page after page.
Ive been thinking about you. If your happy and healthy. I wonder how work and family is treating you and if you've been allowing yourself to let go and at least trying to be happy. I don't expect you to be 100% better because no one is but I hope that you're trying.
Holidays are hard aren't they? Cant believe it's been a year already. Makes me feel old and wondering what the hell I've been doing this whole time. It's crazy how mixed emotions are. I feel like some days when life's all busy and whatnot its easier to not even think about your bruises and the beloved hands that gave them to you and then other days it just follows you everywhere. Its like if you're not here in my real life leave my dreams alone! Or at least that's how i feel. Its so annoying just wanting things to be better and wanting to get over something right away. Monday you miss em, Tuesday you have them, Wednesday you don't trust them, Thursday you resent them, Friday you end up fighting, Saturday Its over and Sunday you forgot what it felt like to feel anything. Then the cycle begins all over. But for the most part I'm so much better of late.
Funny as it seems, I met someone on Tumblr. Weird right?! I've always been a weird person though you know that. We went to the Circa concert. Not together. I went alone because i wanted to have a memory that in no way could ever be tainted. I wanted that memory for myself. And Oh my god Jess, Anthony Green was saying the most inspirational stuff about being happy and letting go and chasing your dreams. Everyone was crying and screaming and laughing. Everyone in the crowd was letting go of their past for that moment and just being. When Anthony Green jumped in the crowd i grabbed his hand and put my hand on his heart. That moment honestly changed me. But anyways I saw James Wolfgang there. That is his real name by the way. Haha I love it. So I know hes not a pedophile. We've been talking since then. He's so sweet and smart and plays all kinds of instruments and sings. He's perfectly perfect but I dunno somethings missing. He's the closest I've gotten to closeness since you. I feel like its not enough, but I have to be grateful for what I have.
Remember how we always said "I feel bad for the poor guy who is gonna date me next?" I'm trying really hard to not let my problems with trust and closeness affect him. I'm just taking it day by day. I like that he understand certain things about me like depression because he's suffered it for a while too. We share the good and the bad but we are both determined to not let the bad affect and try to improves each other and ourselves. Its good. I'm just trying not to put too much hope into it but at the same time not having my reservations.
One a positive note. I never thought Ryan Gosling was uber attractive until I saw Blue Valentine and saw how dedicated he is and how talented and genuine he is. I've been listening to his band "Dead Man Bones" all month long in preparation for Halloween because its dark gothic music. Anyways I'm mentioning Ryan Gosling because that's who James looks like. A lot. No joke. I'll post a picture so you can be the judge.
That's him. Anyways...... I wanted to tell someone. Actually I wanted to tell you. I don't really talk to anyone much but in a good way. I'm too busy doing my music stuff anyways. People seem to have a lot of their own problems, many of them silly and its not good to get involved. I have a weird thing with being friends with people now. I'm so careful who I allow to get close to me or who i get close to. Just because I dunno people have a lot of issues and secrets and I don't like keeping peoples secrets. Not in a bad way but if you're doing something you're not proud of then you shouldn't be doing it. I'm not about to tell the whole world but if you're hooking up with someone all the time and you're telling someone else you like them its like that's not cool. I don't want to be a part of that and laters.So I've cut ties from bad stuff like that and I've focused on my music.
I've been in the studio recording music with my producer. We were trying to figure out a song and then I had a strong wave of something I could feel. I told him to record and just freestyle on the piano while i sang out whatever came to mind and the end product ended up being a full song. Here's the one take session....
If you're wondering why I'm writing this and why the hell I'm doing this. I don't know Jess. I really don't know. It just feels good to get this off my chest. So many problems come from mixed messages and miscommunication. This just feels right. I'm not expecting anything. I just wanted to say somethings.
I dont want to continue writing letters on this blog. So here:
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