A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized
you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

There's so many reasons to why things are the way they are and many more reasons why they should be different. Like I've said before my heart and mind are always in different places. Maybe one day when they are both united then I might be able to return to that place. I miss my home. I'm so ridiculously independent now because I have to be but I miss being in a place where I can always count on to be safe.
I wish things could work out but it's been so long I don't even know how I would act. I fear that maybe I won't feel anything at all if I saw you, just the cold. That would be terrible. I'd rather never try and have that possibility that it might work one day than try and find out that it's really over. That would just suck so bad.
Apparently Matt is moving to New York or Seattle or something like that. I guess its really over. At least I don't ever have to run into him. I know if he saw me he would break. I fucking know it. He would see that the life he's living is a lie. But I want him to be happy. I don't want him to see me. But I want to see him.
I keep on planning on moving to San Fransisco so that I can have a clean slate. But I'm pretty terrified because what if something happens to me out there. I'm going to need someone. I'm going to be alone. That's how I'm most comfortable now but I don't enjoy it. Happiness is only ever something ever felt when shared. I've pushed the date back and back but my last chance to go out there is next Tuesday. Do I want something before I go? I don't know.
I don't know anything. Anything at all.
I don't think I would survive if it ended between us again. I really don't. So that's why I'm hesitant. I know its going to be a battle. A battle worth fighting and winning. But no matter what, I know I will lose if he decides to show up again. Such a huge risk to take for me.
Another thing is though. This much is clear to me, I will never be able to love someone ever again. I will never be able to live my life and dream my own dreams if things remain the same with you and me. Something needs to happen between you and me. Because how can we keep living like this? But what? I don't know. I don't know anything.
What needs to be said? Funny how each others words can save each other. Funny how you save me all the time without you knowing. In the back of my head, giving me words of encouragement. Funny how we can still love each other. This is the only love I've ever known. Stronger and better and harder to reach these days than anything else.
Half of me just wants to take you with me. Like lets go. Maybe we need this. I haven't done anything bold in a long time. Maybe that explains this stagnant life.
What about my family? My job? My school? I cant just pick up and go. Actually yes I can. I plan on staying for a few months maybe. Life will be waiting for me when I get back. This can only do good. It cant hurt me. Take the risk?! Yeah okay I'm going. I applied to San Fran Community College out there already. It was easier than I thought. I plan on getting a job asap out there. I'm scared but I'm going because I can always just come back.
In body or spirit, you are always going to be with me. I guess your coming to San Fransisco. Good I'm glad. This will work. I know it. Trust me. Remember me..... No stop those evil thoughts. Stop them. You're stronger than your worst thoughts. Trust me Jess. You can trust me.

God I miss you. I've been pushing you to the back of my mind but you always come back, just like a disease. Just like love. I miss your predictable t-shirt and jeans.I miss your baby blue painted toes. I miss how you sunburn like a candy cane or bruise easier than me. I miss your fat cat. I miss your forever messy room. I miss sleeping on the floor with you and writing as you were peacefully asleep. I miss our pizza shopping and how we were exact opposites. I miss getting caught in the rain with you. I miss the dreadful feeling when we walked to your car and realize you got another ticket. I miss your giggly drunk laugh and staying in hotel rooms. I miss how beautifully sad your eyes look when you cry. I miss you screaming at me when I know how sick of everything you are. I miss hugging you when I know you need it. I miss our silent way of communicating. I miss that time when I told you I was afraid of you driving away because I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to you and you being gone. I miss singing to you. I miss making stupid movie references. I miss the late night life changing talks we had. I miss the late night walks. I miss the moment we realize how similar we were inside. I miss how we use to always go back to each other. I miss how we lied to each other because we couldn't bear the thought of how the truth would tear us apart. I miss you knowing me more than myself even though I hated to admit it. I miss how you loved every song I played for you. I miss how you made me realize I deserved better. I miss how you were the only person who could give me advice on Matt. I miss how we would lie to our parents so we could hangout.I missed the day Marbles died.
You missed the day my Dad got out of jail.
I missed the day your mom hit you.
You missed the days I was in the hospital.
I missed the day you got in an accident.
You missed the day I was in mine.
I missed the days that he walked away.
You missed the day I really need you.
I missed the same day too.

I wish you would of been there the day Matt stopped responding.
I wish I would of been there the day things went wrong with Justin.
I wish we would of realized we needed to put ourselves aside and take care of one another.
I wish I could of realized sooner that his "I love yous" were nothing compared to yours.
I wish you knew that I think about you daily and him not at all.
I wish you would of tried as hard with me as you did with him.
I wish I could hug you one more time.
I wish I could have one last day with you, wake up tomorrow, and not remember anything.
I wish you would of calmed down when I told you.
I wish I would of never uttered those words that would hurt you where I knew it would hurt the most.
I wish loving you was enough.
I've missed you old friend.
It was real.

God I was fine. I was fucking fine. I was just sitting in the woods near a river and it turns out the trees are matches and the river is gasoline. I'm completely engulfed and I don't know what to do. fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! Where are you? You said you'd be here. I fucking need you. I don't know what to do. I would run to you if I still had blood in my veins but I'm cold and drained. I need that spark back. That bold part of me that would just show up and tell you "I love you" and then leave the rest up to chance. I'm fucking lost. I'm so lost. I'm blind and all i really see is you. I have these flashbacks and Matt's there and sometimes even less commonly David is but you're there all the fucking time. All the time Jessica. I cant do this anymore. I miss you more than I miss anything else. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is a phase that will pass like the others did but its overwhelmed me like nothing else. My mind physically hurts like an immense pressure is pushing down on me and I cant catch my breath.
I'm colorblind and you're the only color I see. All I see is green and I worry that I was never a color to you at all. Maybe I was just a really bright white that left you dazed. Or a deep black that left you stumbling around until you decided to turn around. He is your red. The blood in your veins, the red in your heart and tongue. He is your fire. That ignites you with passion and then burns you to a crisp. You cant even see me anymore. You cant even see what we were anymore. I don't even know what the fuck we were anymore. All I know is that there was something important in this gaping void. Something belonged here. And it's you.
God even though I said it already I need to know. Will this friendship never work between us? Should I really give up? Is this a lost cause? Can we begin again someday? As the strangers we truly are now.
God I don't know what to do. Help me. Take the anger and the resentment away and just tell me.

These letters are out of order. But I mean every word of them. They are honest and unedited thoughts.
All I know is I want you. I dont even know how I want you anymore but I know I want you.

I've been trying to forget, to let go but it's hard to let go when everywhere I go I hear your echo. You are my shadow that follows me during the day and consumes me in the night. Shadows on my walls. Shadows on my bed. I sleep with a lamp on so that maybe it might shed some light on what I'm left here to deal with in solitude. Just tell me. I need to hear them from your perfectly formed lips that drip with sweet venom. Tell me you don't ever want to see me again. That you don't want to hear my voice. Tell me that you don't want my comfort, my understanding, my arms to hold you when you're down. I need to hear it.
Left without an explanation, I wonder. Am I really left or maybe just forgotten? Should I keep my patience and wait until you need me next? I feel so used but when I look into your bright eyes it doesn't seem to matter anymore because it all makes sense. And you feel it too, maybe that's why you run. You cant deny me once I spew my words that stick to you like some disease. I'm afraid that I'.m too good with my words at times. I don't want to change your mind, just to open your eyes. Maybe I should open mine. We need to see whats really there or not. All I know is I fell apart in your arms for the last time and I felt free to be who I am because of the things you told me.
I fear to show any signs of weakness to you for fear that you might consider it a terminal flaw and consider me too much of a risk. I wish you could see that this risk isn't much of importance to me. Life is lived just once and as long as we are making the most of it and trying that's all that should matter. (keyword: should) When one gives up the other helps, but when everyone gives up then life just becomes platonic. There are no lows but then are no highs. No love, no life lived. I'd rather live on the edge, see the view and see how far I have to fall than live in the plains and valley and never be able to see the horizon. But no matter where you are, the sun always sets. So we must put our faith in the moon which never leaves the sky but waits for its time to shine and shed its milky light upon us.
I am the moon and you are my eternal blazing sun.

Dear Matt,

What the fuck? Seriously out of everyone I never thought you would be like them. And it kills me. It tears me up inside that you knew everything. You forced me to tell you everything. Calling me a silly girl if I had reservations. You went after me in the beginning. You should of just left me alone. You selfish bastard. Its funny how you made me move on from my past so quickly. I cared about you so quickly because you were like a little injured bird. You were so tragic inside. I remember when you said you needed to call me when I was at church. I walked outside to answer your call and you were frantic and just wanted me to make you feel better. Do you remember that? I do. It was my pleasure to  help you. I wanted you to be able to feel close to someone and not have them take everything away from you. But i guess just the opposite thing happened to me. You use to give me advice on everything. I was weak of course. You would ignore me for a while and then just come back with strong words on how you needed me and haven't felt like this since you came back from Iraq.
What does that even mean? You haven't felt that happy? Alive? Safe? or maybe you haven't felt so dead since the war. Now that i think about you probably felt dead. No one can live such a double life without it eventually eating them up inside. I remember you told me you needed to go back to real life and i asked you "what is real life anymore Matthew? Are you being yourself with everyone else or are you real with me?" He smiled at me and gave me a wicked smile like "Damn your right." You say you cared. You said you loved me. You said you weren't like everyone else. So where are you? Bastard. I just want to smack you. But then I want to hold you.