There's so many reasons to why things are the way they are and many more reasons why they should be different. Like I've said before my heart and mind are always in different places. Maybe one day when they are both united then I might be able to return to that place. I miss my home. I'm so ridiculously independent now because I have to be but I miss being in a place where I can always count on to be safe.
I wish things could work out but it's been so long I don't even know how I would act. I fear that maybe I won't feel anything at all if I saw you, just the cold. That would be terrible. I'd rather never try and have that possibility that it might work one day than try and find out that it's really over. That would just suck so bad.
Apparently Matt is moving to New York or Seattle or something like that. I guess its really over. At least I don't ever have to run into him. I know if he saw me he would break. I fucking know it. He would see that the life he's living is a lie. But I want him to be happy. I don't want him to see me. But I want to see him.
I keep on planning on moving to San Fransisco so that I can have a clean slate. But I'm pretty terrified because what if something happens to me out there. I'm going to need someone. I'm going to be alone. That's how I'm most comfortable now but I don't enjoy it. Happiness is only ever something ever felt when shared. I've pushed the date back and back but my last chance to go out there is next Tuesday. Do I want something before I go? I don't know.
I don't know anything. Anything at all.
I don't think I would survive if it ended between us again. I really don't. So that's why I'm hesitant. I know its going to be a battle. A battle worth fighting and winning. But no matter what, I know I will lose if he decides to show up again. Such a huge risk to take for me.
Another thing is though. This much is clear to me, I will never be able to love someone ever again. I will never be able to live my life and dream my own dreams if things remain the same with you and me. Something needs to happen between you and me. Because how can we keep living like this? But what? I don't know. I don't know anything.
What needs to be said? Funny how each others words can save each other. Funny how you save me all the time without you knowing. In the back of my head, giving me words of encouragement. Funny how we can still love each other. This is the only love I've ever known. Stronger and better and harder to reach these days than anything else.
Half of me just wants to take you with me. Like lets go. Maybe we need this. I haven't done anything bold in a long time. Maybe that explains this stagnant life.
What about my family? My job? My school? I cant just pick up and go. Actually yes I can. I plan on staying for a few months maybe. Life will be waiting for me when I get back. This can only do good. It cant hurt me. Take the risk?! Yeah okay I'm going. I applied to San Fran Community College out there already. It was easier than I thought. I plan on getting a job asap out there. I'm scared but I'm going because I can always just come back.
In body or spirit, you are always going to be with me. I guess your coming to San Fransisco. Good I'm glad. This will work. I know it. Trust me. Remember me..... No stop those evil thoughts. Stop them. You're stronger than your worst thoughts. Trust me Jess. You can trust me.